To Da Shores of Triple-Lee...

 Saturday night I played in a game pitting the might of the US Navy and US Marines against the unwashed hordes of a maritime commercial enterprise based in a Mediterranean clime. 

No less a personage than John the OFM played the part of Major Smedley O'Bannon Carroll, of the USMC Horse Marines, leading The Sultan to safety, away from the clutches of his rivals, El Kaboom (Jim B.), El Kabang (Mark C.) and El Kabong (Mike S, our host...). And if we happened to sink any of their ships that would be lovely... 

Major Carroll was ably supported by the NEPA Naval Squadron, consisting of the USS Berwick, USS Pittston, and the USS Kunkle. 

Above: The USS Kunkle, pride of the NEPA Squadron, riding at anchor, ready to "bash the Bashaw".

The rules were devised by Darrell, our GM, and the game was a Combined Operation, which really means that our die rolls sucked on ice, both on land and sea. 

In fact, the Pirates couldn't roll worth a damn, either, Allah be praised! 

El Kabong and El Kabang looking dejectedly down at their commands, in preparation for how sucktastical their dice rolling would be.

The mighty USS Kunkle fending off all comers! Which in reality meant that despite seven attempts to ram me, Mike couldn't do anything but scrape the barnacles off my stern. Neither of us could cause any damage with our cannon or muskets. 

Darrell, our GM, trying to comprehend how we could defy all laws of mathematical probability and screw up his perfectly crafted and well thought out scenario. I mean, there MAY have been a disturbance in the Farce, but we really set a new club low for wiffy dice. 

Somehow, Major Carroll and his Horse Marines managed to get The Sultan onboard one of the two locally hired D'hows. If they had performed any worse in their gunnery, they could have been called "D'ohs!", that's how poorly they rolled. 

The game also featured the improbably scenario of dismounted Horse Marines, in a whaleboat, trying to board one of Mark's feluccas to kill bad guys. As Darrell didn't have any dismounts, the stands of mounted Marines were left on the boat, and....yeah. 

Out of an abundance of caution for readers' sensibilities, I chose not to take electronic lithographs of said scene. Enough to say that we had a good chuckle and there were a number of inappropriate jokes made all around. 

A view of the action, with James, commanding the USS Pittston, in the corner. In the foreground, the USS Berwick cleverly uses the tactic known as "hiding behind your shipmate", as she skates behind the brave little USS Kunkle. 

Jim B and John the OFM staring at the disaster that unfolded on the table. John, in his guise of Major Carroll, managed to kill off Jim (as El Kaboom), when Jim tried a dashing and daring cavalry charge against a line of really cheesed off US Marines in line with supporting artillery. I mean, after all, what could go wrong, given how badly we rolled all evening....except this one time John rolled well....

As the various vessels sailed and rowed their way into a Schuylkill Expressway like traffic jam, The Sultan was aboard and trying to get away. Mark's double parked felucca prevented that, but then again, nobody could fire a shot that hit anything...somewhere there are a bunch of actuaries that are preparing to self-immolate over the Laws of Probability that were violated last night. 

In the end, Darrell called it, and in the post-game recriminations phase universally condemned the dice as the reason for failure. 

It was a great time, with good friends. I predict that the handling of the USS Kunkle shall be studied as an example of Littoral Combat Operations for future generations of Naval Officers. Praised be to him that saved The Sultan!